


atlas

by BeStillMySlashyHeart



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, joe/nicky is background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeStillMySlashyHeart/pseuds/BeStillMySlashyHeart
Summary: Nile is fine until she isn't. When the weight of her actions catches up to her, she needs someone to talk to.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nile Freeman & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova
Comments: 9
Kudos: 275





	atlas

Nile is fine until she isn’t.

It’s been three days since the lab, two days since they let Booker, and not even 24 hours since they settled somewhere Andy deemed safe. The second Nile lets herself start to relax, the events of the last week hit her like a truck and she is decidedly not okay.

It’s the middle of the night and she’d dreamed of Quynh again. It was becoming a habit, one that always left her awake in the middle of the night with no hope of falling back asleep. 

This safe house was big enough that they each had separate rooms. Nile crept out of hers quietly and tiptoed past Andy’s. Her snores were just loud enough to be heard in the hallway and Nile was loathe to wake her. Besides, she wasn’t who Nile wanted right now. 

The room at the end of the hall was the largest and so it had been given to Joe and Nicky. Nile tapped softly on the door before easing it open. Both men’s heads popped up, Joe’s a second behind Nicky’s, and Nicky had a gun in his hand before Nile could blink.

“Nile?” Joe asked groggily.

“Hey,” she said softly. “Sorry to wake you.”

“It’s fine,” Nicky assured her. “What is it?”

She took a deep breath. “Can I talk to you?” 

Nicky looked back at Joe but Joe didn’t look away from her. After a brief second he nodded and shoved at Nicky’s hip. “Go. I need my beauty sleep.”

Nicky smiled something soft. “Not necessary,” he promised before sliding out from under the blankets. The second he was free of them, Joe gathered them up and pulled them close, encasing himself until only his head was visible. Nicky still had that soft look on his face but he followed Nile out of the room when she turned to go. She bypassed the living room and the kitchen and escaped out the back door, inhaling the crisp night air deeply. 

She heard the door close behind her as Nicky followed but he didn’t say anything. It was part of why she’d wanted to talk to Nicky, she realized. He’d been the one to realize when she needed space and to know when she needed to talk and he’d given her the space to do both with pressuring her to do either. 

“How many men were in the lab?” She asked. 

Nicky didn’t answer right away. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “30 to 50 maybe? I did not count.”

Nile closed her eyes. She hadn’t counted either. Not the number of men she’d seen nor the number of men she’d shot. She thinks she should’ve. Should’ve known and remembered the lives that she’d taken. “The day I died, the first time, I mean.” She paused. Nicky stayed silent. “I killed the man who killed me.” Nile sniffed. “He was the first person I killed. I left, you know? Before I came into the lab, I had left. That’s why I wasn’t with Booker and Andy when they were captured. And I left because I saw what Andy did to the men who attacked the church, who took you and Joe, and I hated it. I hated seeing how easy it was for her to kill all those men.” Nile stopped and shook her head. Part of her was waiting for Nicky to fill in the blanks, to say it so she didn’t have to, but a larger part of her knew she needed to say it. To deal with it. “And then I did the same thing. I have no idea how many people I’ve killed. No clue. And I don’t-” 

Nicky’s arms came around her shoulders, his hands clasped in front of her and Nile held onto them for dear life, trusting Nicky to hold her. “How can I not know? It’s not- it’s not nothing to take someone’s life. It should mean something, it should be worth remembering. _They_ should be worth remembering.”

Nicky raised his chin until he could rest it on the top of Nile’s head. It made her feel strangely safe, held tight in this man’s arms. This man who she didn’t know a week ago. “I don’t remember the first man I killed,” Nicky confessed. Nile closed her eyes against the hurt and the guilt and the shame that filled her. She remembered the first. And she didn’t want to get to a point where there were so many bodies that she couldn’t but she knew it was likely in her future. “I never saw his face,” Nicky continued. “It was war. It was, it was mayhem. Everything happened so fast that it wasn’t possible to know who you killed, you just fought until you were dead or until the battle ended and you realized you were still alive.”

“I remember the first time I killed Joe,” Nicky said. Nile opened her eyes but she couldn’t see Nicky in their position. “He wasn’t the first man I killed. I don’t know how many I killed before him, but I remember the first time I drove my sword into his chest. He looked into my eyes and he made sure I knew his face.” He hummed slightly. “I hated him for it a little bit. There was a strange peace in not seeing their faces. They couldn’t haunt me that way. But Joe- Joe was going to haunt me, even before we realized our gift or knew our connection to each other.”

Nile wasn’t sure where he was going with this. Nicky’s head lifted off of hers and his arms started to loosen their hold but Nile held tight. “It will not get easier,” Nicky warned. “It should never get easier. But you find a way to live with it, because it is your only choice.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Andy and Booker have always looked at it as a means of survival. It is easier to accept your actions if you are defending yourself. I try not to look at their faces. After this many years, I would never sleep if I let them haunt me.”

Nile waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, she asked, “and Joe?”

“Ah,” Nicky said. “That is for Joe to tell you. If he wishes. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it Nile. None of them are right and none of them are wrong but none of them came easy. This life is not easy. Dealing with it and all that it means…some things you can only discover by living it. I cannot tell you how to deal with this because you are different from me and it means something different to you.” This time, when he let go, Nile let him. He moved to stand next to her and she met his eyes. “You are right, though. Taking a life should mean something. And the people we kill should be worth remembering. If you can find a way to do that, I wish you well.”

Nile was slightly taken aback, unsure what he meant. “You don’t want to remember?”

“If I remembered every person I killed, I’d go insane,” he replied honestly. “I’m old, Nile.”

For a while the only sound was crickets, loud in the still night air. When Nile didn’t say anything more, Nicky placed a warm hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. “I am sorry I could not help more. You should get some sleep. It is late.”

Nile listened to him go back inside. She wasn’t sure that he _hadn’t_ helped her. She felt calmer than she had earlier, than she had in days really, but she also knew that he was right. Because she’d needed answers and he hadn’t given them to her. 

Truth be told, she was getting a little sick of being told to find her own answers but she supposed if she wanted the truth, it was her only option. And Nile was done accepting other people’s truths.


End file.
